i don’t know why i neber just thought to write the damn entries on my phone. dang
typing on my ancient laptop directly into vscode doesn’t feel natural at all but i’m pretty accustomed to using my phone… and i can just run the entry through the ao3 posting script (lol) if i really want to skip all the formatting… jeez… why did i not think of this sooner…
my fiancé and i have been having some pretty heavy grievance conversations lately but i’m actually kind of glad we are. i feel like i have the reputation of having the perfect relationship among my friends and coworkers so it’s nice sometimes to remember that our relationship is actually authentically good enough to have like, deep disagreements and discussions about hurt feelings and other uncomfortable things… rather than just me sharing funny anecdotes about him all the time. being able to work through this shitty discomfort that makes my stomach upset is the real testament to how solid we are, even if we have to agree to let it sit for now so we can revisit when we feel better. him being funny and charming is just a nice bonus :)
i’m definitely having a Hard Time like i do every year, i hate this time of year because people are so awful at work but i think i’m actually surprisingly more affected by being away from family during the holidays than i thought. i mean it’s more like… i’m sad i don’t have the kind of relationship with my family that i would miss spending the holidays with them, i guess. it’s weird to miss something you don’t have.
the Hard Time that i’m experiencing is, like always, coming with a huge desire to be creative, almost to the point that i’m frozen in place sometimes trying to decide which of my hobbies to invest my time in whenever i have it. i want to draw but i want to practice makeup artistry but i want to embroider and make cotton doll clothes but i xyz? you know? i always make huge progress with my creative pursuits when i’m sad.. i mean.. look at what happened last time i was this low. i learned how to make a very simple html website!! lol.
work is proving to be very challenging, i feel like all of the leaders are just working to gain the trust of the rest of the team and keep the spark of fun and hope alive… like it’s makeup. it’s just makeup. we have to have fun even if [redacted parent company] hates us and wants us to die… it’s still fun…
it has been hard for me to adapt my leadership style for some of the newer members of my team… like i usually feel like i have the right approach to nurture confidence and encourage them but i genuinely don’t know what to do with some of these kids. and i know it’s hard for some of them to not see me as a peer because we are the same age and have been in the industry for the same amount of time, but we’re just. tenured in different ways. but i feel like some people just have to fail a little bit before they are ready to take direction, which is so hard for me to empathize with and keep in mind as a leader because failing is my WORST NIGHTMARE LOL. i guess that’s something i could learn from them… it is Just Makeup after all.
i have purposely not transferred my license over yet because i want them to stop asking me to take clients, and starting in january you can’t do any sort of service without a license. i like doing services, but the physical demand of doing it for long periods of time is hard on my body, and it’s also super hard for me to switch between manager mode and services mode… like i just can’t do both on a regular basis. that’s not how my role is designed, and it’s not my responsibility to do services anyway! i would rather they just give me the time to train my freaking artists aaaughhhh. but anyway. that won’t be a problem in january because i won’t be able to do them at all. even if i get my license i might just not say anything about it.
idk, i love makeup, i love doing makeup to some degree, but the physical toll and pressure attached to it really sucks. i don’t think i will ever do makeup services full time again. maybe i’ll offer private beauty lessons or something in the future, but that’s pretty much it. i would want to be exactly where i am with drawing, doing it as a hobby when i feel like it, learning about it constantly and sharpening my skills, but not necessarily monetizing them.
it is sort of disheartening to feel myself wanting to leave the beauty and cosmetics business, after soooo many years of aspiring to go to school, saving up for my tuition, working my ass off to finally get a job where i could do services… just to realize about four years later that i don’t really like it as much as i thought. i mean, if i had the means, i would rent my own little studio and do my own thing, but business ownership is so unappealing to me that i can’t ever imagine doing that. so i’m kind of riding this manager thing to see where it’ll take me… right now, i just really love to teach and develop and help people make their jobs more fun.
damnnnn my hand hurts because i spent like two hours practicing embroidery i guess i should put my phone down. toodles :)
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